A wise person once observed that fatherhood is a condition which men must endure without benefit of anesthesia.
In celebrating Father’s Day this week, let’s recall some of those words which might make our dads either shudder or develop nervous tics.
* “Dad, the toilet overflowed again!”
* “Honey, I don’t feel good right now. Could you change little Melvin’s dirty diaper?”
* (While eating at a restaurant): “Daddy, gotta go baf-room right now!!!”
* “Honey, could you watch the kids while I go to a baby shower tonight? Oh, by the way, Junior has the stomach flu and the baby is teething. I left enough bottles for four hours.”
* “Let’s install an above-ground pool ourselves. It’ll be simple!”
* “Repairing your septic, sir? That’ll be $2,500.”
* “Honey, let’s get a wood burning stove! You can cut all our firewood to save money!”
* “Dad, can you help me with my calculus?”
* “Dad, I’m bringing my new boyfriend, Rocky, over to meet you tonight. Please don’t say anything about his lip ring or swastika tattoo.”
* “Hello, Dad? My boyfriend and I had a flat tire 20 miles out of town and it’s raining…and he doesn’t have a jack. I know you’re already in bed, but could you come help us?”
* “Honey, the engine blew on the minivan today. I had to call a tow truck to come get it and he charged me double because it’s the day after Christmas.”
* “Um, Dad, do you have to report a fender-bender to the police?”
* “If I tell you something, will you promise not to get mad?”
* “Hey Dad, Mom’s mom is coming to spend three weeks with us! But I’m not supposed to tell you yet.”
* “Mom says not to tell you I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet yesterday. Why?”
Being a dad all the time isn’t for the weak, you know. This year tell your dad you’re glad he survived fatherhood long enough to raise you. But be prepared to catch him.
Roberta Sarver is an author and songwriter who lives in central Missouri. Her humor columns appear in the Versailles Leader-Statesman and her original songs of worship have appeared on radio stations across the nation. She and her husband are the parents of seven children.