Uncle Festus Attends a Weddin’

Dear Nephew Cletus,

Well, I done it again, left the holler fer the second time this year. If this keeps up yer gonna hafta call me a real jet setter.

I went to mah grandson’s weddin and what a shindig it was! They does weddins different than they used to, and I thought ya might like to hear ‘bout it.

It was a outdoor weddin. I found out they don’t play traditional songs no more. Some country western guy with a gravelly voice was croonin’ somethin’ er other when the bride walked down the aisle.

You wouldn’t believe the music at the reception neither. It about busted out mah earballs. Sounded like the natives was restless, with them drums a thumpin.

Last spring when I went to that grad-ye-ation out East, do you member how I noticed the economy was bad cause the wimmen wuz wearin’ what looked like little girls’ dresses? Well, it ain’t got much better, cause the wimmen down south wear ‘em too. But folks wuz good not to laugh at em, just like the folks out East.

Ya oughta see the food them rich folks served at the weddin. Food I didn’t even know whut it wuz. Somethin like fill-a dominion.

Them that stayed round after the meal was real entertainin. Member when me and Aunt Maude used to glide around the room to waltz music? They don’t do thet no more. Them poor young people probly wore out their clothes from the inside, the way they wuz jumpin round. What with the way them drums wuz poundin, I spect them young folks will all be deef in a year or two.

They don’t throw rice no more neither, Festus. When the bride an groom left, they lit Fourth of July sparklers! It wuz right purty.

Well, I enjoyed myself at the weddin, in spite of different ways a doin thangs. But I’m always glad to git back to the holler, where normal folks live. Y’all come see us sometime.

Yours truly,

Uncle Festus

Roberta Sarver is an author and songwriter who lives in central Missouri. Her humor columns appear in the Versailles Leader-Statesman and her original songs of worship have appeared on radio stations across the nation. She and her husband are the parents of seven children.

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